It’s Time to Stop Believing that…It’s okay not to take the Lead as a man (Encouragement for Men)
Hey there men,
Forewarning, this is a long and hard post to take in. However, some women and men have been asking me about this subject so I wanted to post something about.s
Aside from Carmel Cone Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream, I believe the greatest creation on God’s green earth is a man. Love them, like them, or hate them there is nothing like a well-dressed man who is confident, smells good, speaks well, has a great smile and treats a woman with respect. Can I get an Amen from the ladies?
As far as I know (hold on let me check) okay…I have never been or desire to be a man. However, I have dated them, lived with them, studied them, asked them questions, talked with them in length to get an understanding of how they think, and have been around them enough to know they are a totally different breed than women.
Men have been created to lead (to guide on a way especially by going in advance b: to direct on a course or in a direction c: to serve as a channel for 2 to go through : live <lead a quiet life>3 a (1): to direct the operations, activity, or performance of <lead an orchestra> (2): to have charge of <lead a campaign> (3): to ask (a witness) a question in a way that suggests what the answer should be : to ask (a witness) a leading question b (1): to go at the head of <lead a parade> (2): to be first in or among <lead the league> (3): to have a margin over <led his opponent> 4 to bring to some conclusion or condition <led to believe otherwise> 5 to aim in front of (a moving object) <lead a duck> defend, challenge, kill the lion, protect, bring home the wild beast, take charge, to cherish, etc. The body of a man is even formed to have upper body strength to do and act upon how he has been created.
In general, he is a being that needs fewer words than a woman. He needs to not only have a cave but cave time to be by himself, collect his thoughts and process in his way without complaints, talking, questions, thinking or anything else he does not want to do. He needs for things to be what they are instead of a game of guessing what he should be doing by reading someone’s mind. Unlike a woman, a man is simple. Understanding that he is visual, fears rejection greatly, needs continual reassurance of his worth as a man, especially from a person he loves, and basically wants to cut to the chase in a lot of cases will help a long way in dealing with him. Although, like women, he has a lot in insecurities, he seeks to protect the appearance of looking good and in control. What he does is often who he is.
Men are wonderful as a whole and have the potential, in position and leadership, to turn their homes and the world on its ears for greatness.
However, (you knew that was coming right?), there is a huge lie and belief that a great deal of men, especially in America, have bought into hook, line and sinker. Due to fear of rejection, conflict, pride, bitterness and self-pity, they have handed over their role as leaders and settled into being the passive follower. I have heard more excuses than a known convict going to jail about the reasons they are not allowed to lead in their homes, on the job, in life, etc. Often they blame the woman (sounds like a man I know named Adam) as the reason why they are not leading in their home.
Yes, as women we have certainly dropped the ball. I will talk about that in another post. Today, we are on the men.
I must add that my concern for men in this area is very personal. I grew up with a father who allowed my mother to be head of the house. The day his mother died, he was in grief and began crying. My mother, who did not allow crying, hugging or shows of emotions like that in the house due to her own issues, told him to stop crying and acting weak. My father immediately stopped crying. Even at a very young age, I lacked respect for him because my father obeyed my mother just like we did. There was nothing to admire or look up to in him. Fortunately, I spent a great deal of time with my grandfather who was a leader and head of his house. My grandfather was the only example I saw growing up of manhood and leadership.
Unfortunately, many girls have grown up seeing strong mothers or have become leaders in their own homes due to various situations, positive and negative. This has had an impact on our society and especially our men and boys. As little girls, we get our femininity from our men, our dads, not our mothers. We learn how we should be treated by men. The type of men we should look for, how to respond as women from you, our fathers.
As little boys, they learn how to be a man and how to treat women, from you. Little boys learn the value of women, how to love well, protect and cherish women from you. They learn how to lead and step up from you. When you are not there, are silence, are passive, don’t lead, allow the women to do your role, you get what we have in our society. We have girls who believe the only way to show their femininity is through sex and showing their body and being objectified. We have boys who use women as trophies, who only value and get their worth through things not in who they are. We have boys who grow up believing they are not supposed to lead, and are angry and fearful. We have women who are resentful of men and feel forced to step up or remain single and do things themselves. It is not all on you. Everything is a choice. However, your choices impact other’s lives. Resentment often comes from men who desire the position of leadership in our lives but don’t want the responsibility and difficult decisions of that position. So we, wrongly, take over and handle things in place of our men then hold resentment because he is failing to do what he has been called to do. Crazy but true.
By stepping back, silence, not engaging, allowing her to handle it, stepping away from the role you have been created for you are doing the exact opposite thing you want to do to get the result you desire to have. To a woman, stepping back, whether you say it or not means, you don’t care, you don’t love me, I don’t matter, you have abandoned me, your selfish, you are not protecting me, you are weak, you are not earning my respect, you want to take the easy way out, you are just like Adam…….why did I ever choose you.
In other words, your fear of rejection is killing potential and the relationship. It is not fair to ask the woman in your life to respect you as a man, husband and leader of the house if you are not willing to stand up in that role. Like I mentioned in a previous post, when fear is the master of one’s life, everybody and everything else including you will be destroyed.
Remember, once a woman has been in the leadership role for a while, it will not be easy to gain it back. Like anything else, trust and respect must be regained. How do you move forward to regain it?
1) Be consistent. Do what you say you’re going to do.
2) Don’t make excuses. Admit when you’re wrong. Nothing more endearing than a man who is strong enough to admit he can make a mistake
3) Step up in love. When she disrespects you verbally, don’t just take it. Challenge her. Tell her how if make you feel. Set a boundary (Every time you start saying ______ I will go silent, or I will walk out of the room UNTIL you calm down.)
4) Never argue with someone who is angry or when you are angry (just emotions going wild). Either says you will not respond until they calm down or immediately tell person you will not allow them to talk to you like that and stop.
5) Start taking the lead in small things. (Start making decisions in a few areas at first after talking with other person)
Men, your road will not and never has been an easy one. But on the shoulders of men, worlds have been conquered, nations have been built, cures for diseases have been found, people’s lives have been saved. You were made from the beginning to lead because you cannot because you’re better, have more wisdom or are even stronger as people. You were chosen and more is required of your life because it. The only one believing you can’t do it or move to greatness is you. Keep pressing forward. You can do this.
Check out John Eldredge‘s book “Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul” great book for women to read as well.
Copyright © 2017 by Charlotte D. Hunt All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted in any form or by any means – electronic, mechanical, photocopy, or otherwise- without written permission from Dream Madly Ministries except for brief quotations in printed reviews.