From THE INFORMER newspaper   Â
Column: Love Talks for Couples & Families  by Ramon Presson, M.S.
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Affirm Handshake
Over a year ago I went to the Fresh Market website and used the comment section to affirm the outstanding customer service I often received from Andie, an employee at the Brentwood store. I later learned that the corporate office in NC promptly forwarded my note to the store manager, along with placing a phone call affirming both ladies for their exceptional attitude and effort.
Accessing the website and sending the note took all of ten minutes, yet I’ve been thanked repeatedly for taking the time to write and send such a note. Not long ago I learned that my comment appeared in the company newsletter printed and sent to employees nationwide. Can you imagine how proud Andie and her manager were to be personally contacted by the home office and then to be spotlighted in the newsletter as role models for customer service?
Andie has been promoted in the store and often travels to new stores to assist with employee training. Am I responsible for that? Heavens, no. Andie has advanced because of her standard of excellence. All I did was recognize it and share it with the people in suits back in Greensboro. What I am responsible for is the good feeling Andie experienced upon knowing she was appreciated and valued.
Plugging It In At Home
Now imagine if we were to use that same power of affirmation and appreciation with our spouses, children, friends, and co-workers. The good things, routine things, we’ve come to expect are often taken for granted. The personal qualities are familiar to us now, the kind deeds don’t seem particularly exceptional. But when we are silent with our affirmation and appreciation while vocal with our expectations, demands, and criticisms we are feeding salt to an already thirsty heart.
I once had a boss who was fond of telling us, “If you don’t hear anything from me, you know you’re doing a good job.” What a cop-out! We crave more than just the mere absence of rebuke and correction. We are all thirsty for encouragement, for expressions that our attitudes, actions, decisions, words, our presence, even our very existence matters to someone. We long to know that people see positive qualities and attributes in us, that someone thinks we make a difference just by showing up, and not just because of what we DO but because of the kind of person we ARE.
Appreciation vs. Affirmation
Affirmation differs from Appreciation. Both are valued and needed and I recommend seizing opportunities to express both. Simply put, appreciation expresses thanks for a gift, kind deed, or kind word. Affirmation goes a step deeper in that it recognizes a positive quality about the person ( kind, attractive, creative, wise, thoughtful, hard working, patient, etc.).  Here’s an example of the difference. Appreciation: Thank you for the gift.  Affirmation: You are such a generous person and always so thoughtful.
Here’s an example of combining the two: “I really appreciate the extra effort you put into making our family’s birthdays special. You always make home a good place to be but you really have a special touch with special occasions.”   If you don’t think you say something that like that, then write it.
Try this at home and at work and watch the response. And here’s my book recommendation to further help you with these concepts: How Full Is Your Bucket? by Tom Rath. This quick-read bestseller contains a packet of note “drops” for you to use as well as provides a website you can access to deposit electronic “drops” into someone’s bucket you wish to encourage.
Tennessee’s most published therapist, author Ramon Presson is the founder of LifeChange Counseling and the Marriage Center of Franklin (www.LifeChangeCS.org )  He can be reached at (615) 319-6450 or ramon@ramonpresson.com. Â
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